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  • How to Practice Self-Compassion

    Most of us from a young age are taught how to be kind, considerate and compassionate toward others. At the same time, we rarely are told to show the same consideration to ourselves. This becomes even more true for individuals brought up in abusive or unloving homes.

    What is Self-Compassion?

    Self-compassion is taken from Buddhist psychology and refers to how we can relate to the self with kindness. Self-compassion or self-love is NOT to be confused with arrogance or selfishness. In actuality, arrogance and selfishness stem from the absence of self-love.

    What does it really mean to be kind with ourselves? It means that on a day-to-day basis we are mindful of being courteous, supportive and compassionate with ourselves. Too many individuals treat themselves with harsh judgement instead of compassion; making negative comments to themselves, or insulting themselves for a mistake they made.

    Why is this important? Because self-compassion helps us recognize our unconditional worth and value. It allows us to recognize that though we my sometimes make bad decisions, we’re not bad people who are lacking in some way.

    Research, over the past decade, has shown the parallel between self care and psychological wellbeing. Those who recognize self-compassion also tend to:

    • have better connections with others
    • are reportedly happier with their own lives, and
    • have a higher satisfaction with life overall.

    Self-compassion also correlates with:

    • less shame
    • less anxiety and,
    • less depression

    Now that you know the what and why of self-compassion, let’s look at the how.

    How to Practice Self-Compassion

    Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child

    You would never harshly judge or belittle a small child the way you do yourself. You would only want to help and love that child. When you begin to treat yourself as you would a small child (as the small child you once were, who remains inside you) , you begin to show yourself the same love, gentleness and kindness.

    Practice Mindfulness

    Every minute your mind is handling millions of bits of information, though you consciously are only aware of a few of them. This is to say we all have scripts or programs running in our minds 24/7. Most of these scripts and programs are outside of our awareness, running our lives, insisting we have certain behaviors and make certain decisions.

    Some of these scripts are the ones that tell us how “bad” or “unlovable” we are. They’ve been running since we were small children. The way to quiet these scripts is to become more mindful (to know what is happening in the moment) of your own mind.

    When you begin to have a feeling or reaction to something, stop and ask yourself WHO is feeling that? Is it the compassionate self or the program running? If it’s the program, thank the program for what it has done and release it. Release it by noting it as information only without judgement.

    Good Will vs Good Feelings

    Self-compassion is a conscious act of kindness we show ourselves; it’s not a way to alleviate emotional pain. Life happens, and we can’t always avoid negative or sad feelings. Never mistake self-compassion as a tool to ignore your deep and rich emotional life.

    These are just a few ways you can begin to cultivate self-compassion. If you’d like to explore more options or talk to someone about your feelings of self-rejection and judgement, please get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how cognitive therapy may help.