How Do You Feel About Yourself? A Therapist’s Guide to Building Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how you view yourself and your worth. It’s the confidence you have in your abilities, your sense of self-respect, and your belief that you deserve happiness and success.

When you have good self-esteem, you feel comfortable in your own skin. You trust your decisions, respect your boundaries, and aren’t easily swayed by others’ opinions. You treat yourself with kindness and patience, just as you would a good friend.

Now, ask yourself: What do you think about yourself? How do you talk to yourself? Do you believe most of your qualities are good, or do you focus on the negative?

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might find yourself thinking:

●      “I’m not good enough.”

●      “I always mess things up.”

●      “No one really likes me.”

●      “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

●      “I’m such a failure.”

●      “Why can’t I be like everyone else?”

●      “I’m not worth anyone’s time.”

●      “I’ll never be successful.”

●      “I can’t do anything right.”

●      “I’m just a burden to others.”

If you resonate with many of these, you’re not alone.

3 Things That Stop Your Self-Esteem from Growing

1) People-Pleasing and Constant Validation Seeking

When you rely on others’ approval to feel good about yourself, you give away your power. People-pleasing can make you feel valued temporarily, but it often leads to resentment and burnout. You might say “yes” to things you don’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing others.

Over time, this can cause you to lose touch with your own needs and desires. Your sense of self becomes tied to what others think of you, and when their opinions change, so does your self-worth.

2) Poor Self-Care

Neglecting your own needs can have a big impact on your self-esteem. When you don’t take care of yourself, it’s easy to start believing that you’re not worth the effort.

Poor self-care can look like poor eating habits, getting little sleep, lack of exercise, or never taking time to relax. These habits can make you feel exhausted and run down, both physically and mentally. When you don’t feel good, it’s hard to think good thoughts about yourself. Over time, poor self-care can lower your sense of self-worth. This makes it harder to believe that you deserve to be treated well by yourself and others.

3) Low Tolerance for Distress

Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. But if the idea of not being liked makes you uncomfortable, it can take a toll on your self-esteem. When you have a low distress tolerance, you might avoid situations where you could be judged or criticized. Do you ever bend over backward just to be liked? Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness?

Learning to tolerate discomfort and accept that not everyone’s opinion matters is so important for building strong self-esteem.

3 Ways to Enhance Your Self-Esteem

1) Set Healthy Boundaries

Learning to say “no” is one of the most powerful ways to build self-esteem. When you say “no” to things that don’t align with your values or that you simply don’t have the bandwidth for, you are valuing your own needs. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or harsh. You can be clear and direct without being hostile.

For example, if someone asks you to take on extra work and you’re already stretched thin, you might say, “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m at capacity right now and wouldn’t be able to give this the attention it deserves.”

Instead of worrying about whether others like what you’ve done or how you appear, start asking yourself if you like what you see. If the answer is no, think about what you want to change and seek support to make those changes. Remember, the most important opinion to consider is your own.

As the anonymous saying goes, “Having self-love is like building a foundation within yourself.”

2) Make Time to Care for Yourself

In order to have good self-esteem, you must care for yourself.

This means prioritizing things like:

–       Getting enough sleep

–       Eating nutrient-dense foods

–       Exercising regularly

–       Taking time to relax and recharge

It also means asking for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or professionals for support.

A big part of self-care is also about shifting your mindset. Pay attention to the way you think and talk to yourself. Are you your own worst critic? Do you focus more on your mistakes than your successes? Start to change this by speaking to yourself with kindness.

Acknowledge when you fall short, but follow it up with words of encouragement. Think about how you want to do things better in the future, and give yourself credit for the effort you’re putting in.

3) Embrace Uncertainty

Life is full of uncertainties. By learning to embrace these uncertainties, you can greatly improve your self-esteem.

Some people are comfortable with uncertainty and see it as an opportunity for growth and new experiences. Others struggle with it and try to control every aspect of their lives to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

If you find uncertainty stressful, life might look like engaging in behaviors like over-planning, avoiding new situations, or constantly seeking reassurance. While these behaviors might make you feel safer in the short term, they can limit your growth and keep your self-esteem low.

To build your tolerance for uncertainty, start by taking small steps outside your comfort zone. This could be trying a new activity, speaking up in a meeting, or letting go of the need to plan every detail of your day. As you get more comfortable with uncertainty, you can work your way up to bigger challenges.

Embracing uncertainty allows you to enjoy more of life and respond more flexibly to challenges. It helps you see that you are capable of handling whatever comes your way, even if you can’t predict it.

Building self-esteem is not a one-and-done thing. It’s a journey full of ups and downs, but it’s one worth taking. By learning to set healthy boundaries, taking care of yourself, and learning to embrace uncertainty, you can start to see yourself in a more positive light.

Having healthy and positive self-esteem will significantly improve all areas of your life. It’ll help you recognize your worth and treat yourself with the respect and kindness you need.

If you’re ready to take the first step towards developing healthy self-esteem, let’s talk. Schedule a free consultation today!